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They left a little note on the windscreen, it said ‘Parking Fine.’ So that was nice.” – Tim Vine “Money can’t buy you happiness?
Well, check this out, I bought myself a Happy Meal.” – Paul F Taylor “A man walked into the doctor’s.
So I bought 100 copies of Goldfinger.” – Nick Hall “My grandmother started walking five miles a day when she was 60.
They charged one and let the other one off.” – Tommy Cooper “I’m learning the hokey cokey. But – I’ve got the ins and outs.” – Iain Stirling “I have kleptomania.
The first one is on the house.” – Tim Vine “The depressing thing about tennis is that no matter how much I play, I’ll never be as good as a wall. They’re relentless.” – Mitch Hedberg “I rang up British Telecom and said: ‘I want to report a nuisance caller.’ He said: ‘Not you again.’” – Tim Vine “It’s amazing that the amount of news that happens in the world every day always just exactly fits the newspaper.” – Jerry Seinfeld “I was in my car driving back from work.
A police officer pulled me over and knocked on my window.
Read more: 105 of the funniest ever jokes and best one-liners “I had a survey done on my house.
Eight out of 10 people said they really rather liked it.” – Jimmy Carr “Hard to tell if people are interested in joining my Sarcastic Club or not…” – Milton Jones “One in four frogs is a leap frog.” – Chris Turner “‘Son, I don’t think you’re cut out to be a mime.’ ‘Was it something I said? ‘Yes.’” – Damien Slash “I was thinking of running a marathon, but I think it might be too difficult getting all the roads closed and providing enough water for everyone.” – Jordan Brookes “I’m going to donate my body to science, and keep my Dad happy – he always wanted me to go to medical school.” – Lee Mack “A sandwich walks into a bar.